In 2008, I started a short-lived blog titled Movies: Abridged, where I would post condensed scripts to the movies I watched. I don’t even remember watching half these movies, which isn’t surprising; I don’t remember key episodes of 30 Rock or Bob’s Burgers, and I’ve watched both those shows recently and twice.
At any rate, let’s Internetally dust off some of those ol’ scripts and remember some totally forgettable movies!
9 1/2 Weeks
Sexy divorcee KIM BASINGER performs a striptease for MICKEY ROURKE after he buys her a scarf in New York City.
KIM BASINGER
I’m a confident, successful, sexual being.
MICKEY ROURKE makes KIM BASINGER crawl across the floor, won’t tell her anything about himself, and screws a prostitute in front of her.
KIM BASINGER (CONT.)
…who no longer has even a shred of self-esteem.
MICKEY ROURKE sexually torments KIM BASINGER for approximately two months, one week, and a few days, give or take. Fin.
The Hours
In the 1940s, NICOLE KIDMAN plunges into a lake with bricks in her pockets.
NICOLE KIDMAN
I wrote Mrs. Dalloway and now I’m killing myself!
And she does. In the 1960s, JULIANNE MOORE fails at making a birthday cake and lies around in a hotel room.
JULIANNE MOORE
I read Mrs. Dalloway, and now I want to kill myself.
But she doesn’t. In the 2000s, MERYL STREEP watches her ex-lover / JULIANNE MOORE’s son ED HARRIS leap from his apartment window after a long battle with AIDS, an act that totally ruins her dinner party.
MERYL STREEP
I am Mrs. Dalloway, and now I want to kill myself.
But she doesn’t. JULIANNE MOORE shows up.
JULIANNE MOORE
So it’s cool if I crash here for tonight?
Fin.
Wit
EMMA THOMPSON lies in a hospital bed, dying of—
EMMA THOMPSON
Oh, no you don’t! This movie is about ME! Only I’m allowed to talk in this, and talk I shall! I’ll inundate you with my monologues on my life thus far. After all, I’m dying of advanced ovarian cancer—me, a well-educated English professor!—and all the doctors around here are poking me and prodding me and experimenting on me like I’m some guinea pig! I shall try to put my life into perspective while I vomit and lose my hair, and right before I die, I’ll realize that I should’ve spent my life being nicer to peop—
EMMA THOMPSON dies. Fin.
The Brown Bunny
Competitive road biker VINCENT GALLO races around a track for ten minutes before going to a gas station, where he meets SOME GIRL.
VINCENT GALLO
Wanna go to California with me?
SOME GIRL
Sure, let me get my stuff.
VINCENT GALLO then drives away without waiting for SOME GIRL and continues to drive and drive and drive. Eventually, he winds up in a motel room with old flame/love of his life CHLOE SEVIGNY, who gives him a real, honest-to-goodness blowie. VINCENT GALLO zips up his pants.
VINCENT GALLO
You’re a whore. I hate you. Go away. I don’t know why I invited you here.
CHLOE SEVIGNY
But I love you, even though you let me choke on my own vomit and die the night I got high and was raped by a bunch of guys. Why didn’t you help me?
VINCENT GALLO
I don’t know!
VINCENT GALLO wakes up in the motel room alone and then—what the hell else?—resumes driving. Fin.
Gerry
MATT DAMON and CASEY AFFLECK are lost in the desert.
MATT DAMON
I’m Gerry.
CASEY AFFLECK
And I’m Gerry.
Cue two hours of sprawling landscapes and virtually no dialogue before MATT DAMON strangles CASEY AFFLECK.
CASEY AFFLECK
Ack!
CASEY AFFLECK dies. MATT DAMON finds a road and stops a passing car with a FAMILY inside.
MATT DAMON
Hey, can I get a lift?
FAMILY
Sure!
MATT DAMON gets in the car, which drives off. Fin.
Mystic River
SEAN PENN and KEVIN BACON eye TIM ROBBINS suspiciously.
KEVIN BACON
He sure is weird since he got in that car with that guy that one day when we were kids.
SEAN PENN
…which means he must’ve killed my daughter!
SEAN PENN approaches TIM ROBBINS.
SEAN PENN
You did it!
TIM ROBBINS
I didn’t!
SEAN PENN
No, you totally did!
SEAN PENN kills TIM ROBBINS.
KEVIN BACON
No, he totally didn’t.
SEAN PENN
Ah, well.
They go to a parade, credits roll. Fin.
But wait—there’s more! Check out Part 2!